Sometimes you think or feel, the other side would change so that things could go well. & Guess what it would be nice if that happened. But there comes a point when we realize, this person has a past track record so long that any hope or change at this moment would be part of denial what’s really happening. That’s the first trait to recognise a NARCISSIST.
The truth is if we want change to happen, it has to start with us. I am not putting the blame on anyone. The only person you can change is yourself. Insanity does the same expecting change. They will never put that cold silent treatment aside. Realize that it’s in your power to being torment to pattern & understand being happy with or without them.
Recognise the pattern & these specific two things;
1. When you are trying to begging, pleading, crying or apologizing, you know what your motive is. But you have to know that narcissist’s motive too. Your motive is to end that toxic dynamic for peace & stop making them treat as if somebody doesn’t exist. But you are doing everything that a narcissist wants you to do. Their motive is to feed on your drama. There are numbers of reasons they didn’t like what you had to say that you called them out for something, maybe they are bored and things have been too quiet and they need some kind of irritation around. Their only motive is to feed off of your emotion when we make efforts to make peace with them. They are not gonna think like “they want peace, so let’s have peace after all everybody wants that”. But narcissists are allergic to peace, happiness & healthy love. So they run away from that, also they don’t think the other people think. When someone is apologizing to you, “you feel wow now they know i feel bad of something, now I am sorted from this”. But a narcissist never thinks like that, when someone apologizes they think “oh see I am right, look there his/her admission of guilt”. Whatever you say to them will be used against you even an apology. This is their power trip, you are allowing yourself to feel tortured. Their thoughts at this point are “I must be really important, look how much he/she is suffering just because I am not giving them attention, wow it’s been 17 hours & they are just getting worse, they need me like the air they breathe, they are nothing without me, that’s how amazing I am”. This is what they think usually.
If you feel crying will touch their heart, it won’t.
If you think pleading is going to get through, it won’t.
If you think showing yourself to be tortured by what they are doing will somehow touch their empathy, it won’t. You are not dealing with a person that has empathy, that’s why the silent treatment goes so long. It’s a hard pill of truth to swallow when you realize what’s inside them. But you have to realise that.
2. Now the second part of stopping the silent treatment forever. That has to do with us. All of us allow ourselves to feel tortured allowing ourselves to be in anguish begging pleading trying to make peace because we had a wrong thought. We thought we needed this person to show me their approval to love me to know I am likeable & I am a good person. Maybe we aren’t thinking the same actually, but that’s what our actions are showing. We are raised in a environment where we are taught “your value only comes after external validation”. You know nothing else over that, that’s your subconscious programming. We all are carrying it out even without realizing it. Everyone wants their significant other to value & see their worth, to love & cherish them. Everyone should want that. But we don’t need that in order to know we are valuable beautiful & amazing people. It’s too late to know even before you realize the person you are with is treating your emotions as if you are dead. Their view of you is actually your view of you. So basically you are super codependent. You depended on that person’s validation, approval, forgiveness & expressions of love to know you are lovable. Your subconscious programming is pushing you towards only stupidity that this narcissistic mindset wants to feed him/her.
Let’s talk about things to get rid of all negativity that we just discussed. Four words “self love, self worth, self confidence, self value”. If you don’t know where to start, let me help you. Begin feeding your self love. Then when the silent treatment comes, do these few things.
A- Observe, don’t absorb. Next time notice that silent treatment, see how it goes again. That narcissist wants your emotions, your pain & drama. Don’t give them that. Just see it, smile or laugh inside. It’s basically a pattern of their usual life.
B- Respond, don’t react. You don’t have to beg someone to converse with you. You don’t have to plead or force them to. They are allowed to have that toxic behaviour if they choose. But you are allowed to stay healthy & engage yourself in what makes you proud of yourself or empowered. Just reply “Looks like you don’t wanna talk right now, that’s fine, you are allowed to be quiet if you want.” Cut off the supply of emotions.
C- Don’t ask yourself what the narcissist/that toxic person needs. “What they need, what they want, why are they doing or behaving this way, what can I do to stop it.” No. No. No. You are gonna ask only one question “what do I need to stay calm & happy”. Don’t go towards that codependent thinking again. Don’t think you can only be ok if they stop being toxic, that’s a lie. Ask yourself what do you need right now to feel good. Go to gym and sweat it out, eat some nice food, watch a movie, workout at home, read a book, take a bath, practice meditation, go out for a walk, walk your dog, talk to your friends or family on phone. Stop allowing that person to make you happy.
This silent treatment is going to be over in a while. I promise. Don’t wait for that silent treatment to take over you again. Learn to be happy with or without them. A narcissistic mindset is just a result of certain situations they went through. Yes they need help but they need to accept it to get better. A narcissist always knows when, how & where to hide. Actually they are the weakest mindset & with lowest ever self esteem which kicks them to behave so. Don’t fight with them, you work on your self healing. A narcissist changes when the surroundings stop valuing that in them. Start should be you.