in Tap Talks 1,154 Words

My experience with DEPRESSION. Why I am what I am!!

COVID-19 pandemic, severe economic damages, number of jobless people on rise with systematic racism on top, this world literally needs a reboot somewhere with ample doses of humanity.

This post is not about racism or corona virus situation. Talking about mental health & depression; I totally understand DEPRESSION is real, RACISM is real, FOOLS are heading nations, TEENS & YOUNG PEOPLE are busy with tiktok and weed/cocaine (Don’t know why i fucking hate it, smokers are disgusting in my eyes.) & at the end I will definitely mention “INEQUALITY IS A DEEP ROOTED ISSUE IN OUR SOCIETY”. Again my bad, I swear I will stick to this topic of MENTAL HEALTH & DEPRESSION from now onwards. Here’s my take, unbiased & raw.

Have I ever experienced any mental health issues or anything like DEPRESSION? Answer: Hell YES. I have experienced it like any other random human at certain phase of life. I have done my fair share of amazing mistakes & chaotic nonsensical blunders. I have seen depression. Now I am gonna share few secrets about me; I have done illegal knuckle boxing, broken few bones of my opponents to feed my anger, broken my bones with two illegal racing related accidents, ran away from home during my teen days, stopped communication with parents for a long time, was framed for a heinous business practice in a partnership where I wasted a tiny chunk of my life (later came out clean legally after fighting for the right), failed to be son my parents wanted me to be. I have cried nights sitting under shower without eating anything for days while experiencing million different suicidal thoughts. It’s been 13 years I am staying away from home, in hostel till college days and currently in my apartment. Whatever I mentioned here, they all contributed to an immense amount of mental trauma in my past which drained a lot of sanity from me. Most pains were caused by my own actions & sometimes when people around failed to show me a tiny bit of empathy. I have given pain to few in my past, even that hurts me at some point. At a certain point I just came to a realisation that “a RACIST/NARCISSISTIC/ABUSIVE/NEGATIVE person is a person who gains momentum from a good person’s downward movement. That’s how they get more power to do the nasty shit they love to do. Last observation: THIS WORLD WORKS ON THE BASIS OF EAT OR GET EATEN & A PERSON WITH HATE IN HIS HEART WILL CONTINUE TO BE THE SAME TILL HE DIES WITH THAT HATE. Nobody can change them. One thing you can do is; become powerful and laugh at their face or be kind and smile to their foolishness”. Either ways “BE TRUTHFUL & KIND”, your god wants that from you. Nobody else is in your control except yourself, so first change yourself to a better human being.

Now you must be thinking “why this stupid TAP again lost his way from mental health?” No I didn’t. This brown guy named TAP has been through some of that racial profiling during those “business partnership went wrong days” i mentioned above. I will talk about that incident some other day. Do I have complaints? No I don’t. The only thing which helped me stand up on my feet is a 24/7 running eager brain to learn something new. I am still a twenty something amazing TAP right now. I have a bachelor’s in engineering, master’s degree in business administration, i own two tiny businesses, currently pursuing PhD as a research scholar & my current passport has stamp of 29 countries if I am correct. And I preach “LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL”.

Right now only problem is my anger I still encounter once in a while. My past has made me emotionally unavailable to every single human I interact. I understand only one language called MONEY. Actually I can say; my religion is MONEY. Here is a funny conversation in middle of this serious post. Within these few years I have developed a thick skin where you can’t push me down or use fowl words to screw my mood, haters live in my spam. I acknowledge being a grumpy asshole at the peak point of my arrogance, I am just afraid of myself when people try to spoil my piece of peace. That moment my anger reflects as my arrogance and I can’t hide it. I literally feel like I can punch that face enough till jaw is broken so that less venom will spread via that shitty mouth. Controlling anger is my biggest challenge.

You must have noticed me preaching about going out to nature. That’s one reason I actually snap out once in a while. I head to some nearby forest/garden/park or hilltop. That me-time makes me realise I am not the bad person I usually get afraid of. I am still taking steps towards getting rid of my dark side. Never ever thought even for a second I am better compared/superior to someone else. But I am different/unique. Unique because of my own set of success, schedule, routine, mindset, diet, goodness, past, habit, bad habits, flaws & yeah my addiction to homemade sugar free cheesecake made by chef TAP. I know what’s right & where can I go wrong!! There is something called “intuition” which works constantly towards understanding & bringing my best. “Success will not guarantee happiness, but happiness is way bigger better than SUCCESS”. My today’s A-game will be tomorrow’s B, I can’t blame this on anyone because it’s the rule of this fast moving world. In this process of analysing myself, mental health became a priority like my 5pack abs(I am missing my gym like life). You can do 100 push-ups to get a fit body, there is a workout routine you can follow. For your mind, the only workout is learning & only cure is happiness. Learning here doesn’t mean just studying, learning from surrounding or people, learning a new business, being a better person, everything is a learning which gives you a good or bad lesson with little value to your life. I am that guy who starts his day by checking himself naked in mirror right after waking up. This fit body makes me more confident & comfortable anywhere I am. Working towards being a better human, that’s the end goal. Yes depression tried to pull me down & my grumpy face firey eyes showed him little bit of that fighter spirit in me mixed with some leo pride. Not the finish line yet, but DEPRESSION FAILED already. I will say “I AM HAPPY instead of I WON”.

I know i wrote something completely scattered jumbled within 11 minutes while thinking about what not to eat for breakfast today, literally bored of baked beans on toast. Sending loads of vibe to earn a smile.
Tap OUT..😘

49 thoughts on “My experience with DEPRESSION. Why I am what I am!!”

  1. Hello there Tap, you have an interesting post here. I would love to help with your biggest concern, which is your anger. I think that anger is something worth working on. Anger can steal your peace. First and foremost, I would advise that you grab a piece of paper and write down what annoys you the most. Note your triggers and try to avoid those triggers. There is no point in being angry when you can be happy. If there is a certain person you know who talks carelessly and you do not like that, try to avoid them. Secondly, it is completely okay to watch youtube videos on anger management, many of those are free. You can also see a wellness coach if you feel the need to. Some of them are online and you should be able to connect with them from the internet. Our mind is a bubble and we need to be careful about what we let in there, focus on responding not reacting. Lastly, but most importantly, God really does help. I remember myself from about 4 years ago, I was always getting angry, however, my temper has gotten so much better because I see the bigger picture. That was born from the spirit of God. The Bible says in Galatians 5:22 – 23 “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law”. The spirit referred to here is the spirit of God and when it begins to grow within people, they begin to act differently, in a good way. Focus on reading the Bible and communicating to God via prayer. If all you can do is 1 page of the Bible a day and 5 minutes of prayer, that is a start.
    If you want more information on how to connect with God, I have a post on it here: https://christcenteredruminations.wordpress.com/2018/08/29/how-to-build-a-relationship-with-god/
    You can check out the blog post above. If the information is too overwhelming for you, then you can start slow and work your way up gradually. If you want to stay updated and you want more posts from me, you can follow my blog. I post about God, faith and Christian Spirituality.
    May God’s peace be with you, Amen. 🙂

  2. Thankyou so much for sharing your life experience, I am so happy that depression did not win and you conquered it! I have seen depression also, it is very ugly, painful and lonely. I kept holding on to God ❤

    1. Because of emotions there are so many things which aren’t under our control. I am happy that people connect to my words. Depression always starts from something negative & taxing, I am delighted you haven’t allowed it further.🤗🤗

  3. in our western society we think that we have to get rid of our dark side, but i belive there are many hidden treasures hiding underneath it. i remember hearing about anger being just energy for the first time, and how it’s the way we react to it that it’s the problem. we can use the energy from anger to destroy or to create; becomes our choice when we have enough self awareness. this changed my prespective on anger, and helped me to connect with loads of feelings hiding underneath it. not an easy journey, but damn it, it was worth it. not done yet either…

  4. Hello Tapan,
    I saw you had like my article Speaking With Humanity and noticed this article you had written on depression. A very important subject and part of the big push to awaken humanity out of it’s insanity, namely the ego – greed, separation, ignorance, disconnection.
    I wanted to share with you another article I wrote about my own experiences with depression – A Journey of Healing and Awareness.
    Love your raw, honest and powerfully expressed pieces and hope they are reaching people far and wide 😉 Thank you for taking the time to read mine.
    Sending love and gratitude,
    Catherine
    https://catherinelouisebirmingham.com/2019/08/05/a-journey-of-healing-and-awareness/

    1. I appreciate your every single word. I second you on human’s “insanity” part. I just saw your article & blog both. I love horse riding, but i haven’t done this since I left Cardiff. After I calm down my money hungry head someday, I really want to own few horses & a nice stable. Actually I want to pet some horses & puppies.😂 After seeing your blog, I can totally say “Animals pack more humanity compared to humans now a days”. That calmness helps a lot to heal. A ton of thanks and you are welcome.🤗

      1. Well we have 4 puppies here you are welcome to pet all you like! Hehehe funnily I was speaking to our Duck Eliza on Humans referring themselves as part of the animal realm and she reminded us that animals are nothing like humans and its an insult to them to be likened to one!
        Sending you much calmness from a simple and peaceful country life and here if you ever needed anything.
        Love and gratitude,
        Catherine

        1. Say “Hi” to puppies.😝 I haven’t experienced the calmness of a country life, but I am getting prepared to take a retirement before turning 32-33 & settle down in a nice calm place away from loudness of any city. Sending you loads of vibe.🤗🤗

  5. Good vibes back towards you. This quote is what occurred to me to share with you after reading the various trains of thought in this post full of feeling and reality. I don’t know who the author is but it seemed to suit your thoughts here: “Never underestimate the power of mental space. Creating room for yourself just to BE. That is everything. So if you find yourself fraying at the edges, if you find yourself worn out by the everyday wear and tear of living, give yourself the gift of space. Take a break. Go outside. Breathe. Unplug. Come home to yourself.” Shalom, and peace to you in the moment, Jane

    1. Sunday is my smartphone detox day. Saw your comment after returning from a tiny hiking trip. I have been through a lot in my past. Still learning a lot to be a better human with time. A ton of thanks for your warm wise words Jane.🤗

  7. Good to hear that you are taking steps to control your anger. I believe we all have anger, some are us have it a lot closer to the surface and some keep it in a deep place inside. Those are the people that you need to be wary of, because when they build up a big enough head of steam, and it blows the tight lid off that boiler, they cannot control it. Those of us that have a short fuse, many times pop our cork at a moment’s notice and let enough of the stram out to keep up from building it to be dangerous. That said, if you piss me off enough to make me cry, my advice is to RUN! Communing with nature is a great release. Good luck!

  8. So ,I would like to add smthg ” older and wiser ”
    The fact that my bones ache since I was four years old … I was a wise child . I remember myself touching gentle my hand and saying ” It will rain “I started have dislocations in my fingers since I was a child …. I am against drugs,however I take a coctail of medicines every day . I have to understand that medicines improve the quality of life . I have to walk every day siX kilometers.My phisicotherapists said that If I reach the siX kilometers per day Then its allowed to me to excersice in a gym … The orthopedic suggest a programme of excersices . I have to work hard for simple things …
    I have my way to serve myself .
    My subject is to accept my feelings as mines and not as a reaction of others behavour.
    The anger is mine , I have the right to make my anger ,a fighting with rules …
    I am very flexible,i fight depression but I lose fights now I have to examined for athretics. …
    I am in holidays .
    Now I am behave like a junkie in heaven…
    A bag with drugs
    Life is good…
    It will rain drugs…

  9. I know about depression. I imagine we all experience it during the journey of life. For me, getting older seems to have helped a lot. Somehow, I can’t take life so seriously anymore. All the best to you…

  10. A very revealing, honest glimpse into what has made you You.Even with depression you have had quite an amazing life so far..and yes..when we can allow ourselves to see it…Life IS Beautiful!